Observe, Don't Absorb

How much of our discomfort comes from the thing itself and how much from the story we tell about it? The moment I stopped grading the experience, the experience changed.

It started off as just another massage. No big deal, I’ve done it many, many times, even at this exact place. But this one? It was strange. Different. Not particularly comfortable, let alone enjoyable. I could feel my judgment and disapproval revving: What is happening here? Why are we doing it this way?

But it was a Saturday morning, and carrying that negativity into my day was just not an option. So I reorganized my thoughts. Instead of expecting anything in any way, I wondered what it would be like to simply observe what was happening, no attachment, no judgment. In that moment, I chose to observe and not absorbthe thoughts and feelings showing up. After all, it’s just a massage.

In no time, my body unclenched. The massage didn’t suddenly become my favorite, but I could relax without having to feel a particular way about it.

On my way out, I had a surprisingly warm conversation with the owner. We compared notes, made a couple of tweaks for next time, and I left with a better plan and a better feeling about the whole experience. This was notable because I’ve walked out of there before thinking, Okay, that’s it. Time to find somewhere else.

Driving away I wondered, What made it different this time? I can’t help but think that it was my decision to put down the judgment and the weight wrapped around my thoughts and feelings. My openness to let things unroll in a more natural way, without forcing them to fit the story I’d already written. I put down the weight of how it should be and picked up the lighter discipline of how it is. That small shift, trading judgment for curiosity, opened space for clarity and led to something unexpected and, honestly, better than what I’d orchestrated in my head.

So, where else is this applicable? If you think I didn’t run an experiment or two after that, that’s okay – you’re probably just getting to know me. And let me tell you… challenging myself to keep an open mind in trivial situations where I’d be totally justified in having a strong opinion is harder than you think. A few places I tested it:

• Work message that landed wrong. Pause, name “judging,” ask one clarifying question before deciding what it means.
• Meeting that veered off course. Notice the energy instead of fighting it; name what’s true, reset together.
• Everyday snags. A delayed service, a long line, a plan change. Feel the irritation, don’t live in it, then choose the next clean action.

Each time I practiced observe, don’t absorb, I noticed how much I’d been carrying: quiet verdicts, rigid preferences, the itch to control. Setting that backpack down didn’t make me passive; it made me precise. From that steadier place, my choices got simpler and my outcomes, better.

Where are your expectations pre-grading an experience before it has a chance to unfold?

• Pick one moment this week to practice observe, don’t absorb.
• When judgment shows up, label it (“judging”), then ask: What’s actually happening right now in me, and around me?
• Afterward, capture one thing that became possible when you loosened your grip on how it should be.

Until next time - unlearning with you,
Natasa